i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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