and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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