mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
