just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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