You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
