On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I licked your asshole in confidence.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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