Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
