Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
