the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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