So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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