I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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