1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
