she looked like the before picture.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
