I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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