My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
