Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
