I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I did not marry a roomba.
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