I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
