Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Semen is not good for contacts.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
