I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
