I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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