This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
