hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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