I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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