Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
