Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
