now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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