If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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