It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
