So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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