so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
