My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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