Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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