He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
