I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
