She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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