I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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