I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Sorry about my life...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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