So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
