i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
