I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
