I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
