trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
