Capitaan dildo arrescate!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
