Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize