Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
