I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
