so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
