Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
