Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
