Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
