I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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