I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize