I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
