i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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