Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
