The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
