Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
